Le sigh

I have been in a very dark mood for the past several weeks, and I feel like I can't get out of it. I feel sad, angry, hopeless, and lost. I feel like I am stuck and can't move while everyone else is moving around me, and all I can do is watch them passing me by and wave as they do so. I am tired, but can't seem to get any rest when I sleep. I have no energy and very little patience.

I keep praying to the Gods for strength, try to focus on the positive, to push myself out of this funky, black emotional and head space I am in. The fall has always been a difficult time of year for me, even though it is one of my favorite seasons it is also full of chaos, loss, and death. My father and my grandfather's death dates fall within a few weeks of each other. This year I was not consciously aware of them although emotionally I felt like an atomic bomb ready to explode.

My partner at work is leaving in a few weeks, it is a good thing for her as she will be starting a new and better job and hopefully a new and better chapter in her life. Even though I will miss her, I am happy for her because she has gone through a lot of negative shit since I have known and been working with her, and she deserves to have something good happen in her life. They had interviewed and extended an offer to a candidate who seemed promising but I learned yesterday she didn't accept the position because the pay is too low for her. It made me laugh out loud when I found out. They have no other candidates scheduled to be interviewed. The whole mess leaves me feeling anxious and worried about what is going to happen. What will get dumped on me next to compensate. I can't take on anything else. I am already stretched so thin I can't keep up with everything I am expected to do.

Husband and I are leaving on Friday to go to Seven Springs for the weekend for his job. They are allowing him to bring me along. I am trying to look forward to that. Going to take a good book (I am currently reading 'The Help') or two and my crocheting project which I will not elaborate on as it is a gift for someone who reads this blog. Hoping I can get some rest and relax and try to recharge a bit.

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep (Mary Elizabeth Frye)

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am in the star shine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I do not die.

(Be at peace, Granddaddy, and know that I love and miss you.)

Mead

I have been working on two batches of mead since husband and I are are currently out (well, we found most of one bottle of one of his batches which has mellowed quite a bit. But that's it). Tonight I bottled the Rocky Mountain Red:

I also racked the pumpkin cyser (racking involves siphoning the mead from the fermentation carboy into another container and rinsing out the carboy of all the residue produced, then putting the mead back in the carboy so it can continue fermenting. Like this:

The Rocky Mountain Red needs to age now for at least six months--I prefer closer to a year--before it will be drinkable. Technically it's drinkable now, but it's much better aged. I do think I will sleep good tonight though. A few sips and I am sweating with a fire in my belly. The pumpkin cyser will continue to ferment for awhile before it can be bottled. Now I have a clean carboy and get to decide what to make next. I'm thinking cranberry orange mead, for Yule. Oh yeah.